How the Pitch Sold Christmas (with sincerest apologizes to Dr. Seuss)

By Trent Rentsch

Every Fool down in Fool-ville thought Christmas was hot,
But the Pitch, at the cities Hot station, did not!

The Pitch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas issue,
(and when you hear why, you might need a tissue!)
Perhaps cuz his books wouldn’t balance quite right,
Or perhaps it’s the bonuses, he’s known to be tight,
But the DJs were sure, the best reason of all,
Was that his old heart was as cold as late fall!

But, whatever the reason, his heart or the books,
He sulked at the station, giving Interns bad looks.
Glaring out of his office, from the glare you would flee,
He saw the front office staff decorate with glee.
And he knew, as the mistletoe went up on the door,
That the nonsense would happen, it happened before!

“And they’re planning a party!” he grimaced with a groan,
“Some dumb Christmas party! Without one they’ll moan!”
Then he burped, his stomach was nervously grinding,
“A cut of this Christmas I soon must be finding!”
For, by week’s end he knew…

… All the Fool Moms and Dads,
Would mall nice and early, the kids want the fads!
And oh! How they’d shop! Shop! Shop! Shop!
That’s what he noticed! How they’d shop! Shop! Shop!

Then the Fools, old and young, would Max out their cards.
And they’d Max! And they’d Max!
And they’d Max! Max! Max! Max!
They’d Max at the toy store! They’d Max at the Mall!
(and the Mall was a place that bought spots least of all!)

And THEN, they’d do one thing that brought him to tears,
Every Fool down in Fool-ville, no matter their year,
Would gather together, and this made him scoff,
They’d have a big party with the radio off!

Turn it off!? Turn it off!
Turn it off! Off! Off! Off!
And the more the Pitch thought of this non-listening time,
The more the Pitch thought, “Spots won’t be worth a dime!”
“Fiscal years have gone by watching revenue drop!”
“I MUST get a cut of this Christmas! …or flop!”

Then, he made a plan! A management plan!
The Pitch! Made a sales-based, management plan!
“I have made a decision!” The Pitch smiled as they met,
The whole staff at a meeting’s not good, they’d all bet,
Then with PowerPoint slides, the Pitch told the plot,
“We are going to make money this Christmas, a LOT!!”

“All I need are my Salesfolk…”
The Pitch looked around.
But since it was 4, not a Rep could be found.
Could that stop the Pitch?
No! The Pitch smiled like an elf,
“If my sales staff is gone I’ll pitch it myself!”
So he ordered a Spec, from the guy in the booth,
(He could never remember, was his name Tim or Ruth?)

THEN, he loaded the Spec, and some Arbitron books,
In his 2000 Lexus, with the engine that cooks.

Then the Pitch said, “Where’s my keys?”
And when they were found,
He drove into Fool-ville, he was revenue-bound.

All the shops, they were busy. Christmas songs filled the air,
And the Fools were out buying… the price? They don’t care!
Then he parked at the very first shop on the square.
“This is sale number one!” The old Stingy Pitch hissed,
Then he stepped through the door, briefcase clenched in his fist.

He talked past the Lackeys and Receptionist Witch,
If Print Reps could do it, then so could the Pitch.
He got stuck only once, a slight minor snag,
“Do you have an appointment?” he heard from the Hag.
As he stood on her desk, he put on a show,
“I must see your Boss! Let me in or I’ll blow!”

Then he oozed through the door, with a smile oh so fakey,
Grabbed the Owner’s right hand and gave it a shaky,
“Drive time! Mid days! Early evening! All night!
“:30’s and :60’s! We’ll schedule a Flight!”
He pulled out a contract. Then the Pitch grabbed a pen,
And went for the sale like a fox to a hen!

He went straight to the budget.  He took the guy’s Print!
He took all the Cable! (He ate the guy’s Mints!)
He took the whole budget! Their Ad Guy went pale,
When he heard that the Pitch even took Direct Mail!

Then, he did the same thing,
To the other stores dollars!
Leaving funds much too small,
Other Media hollered!

It was a quarter past 6,
And the log, well past done,
Only Prod Guy still there,
When Pitch brought his “fun.”
Brought in all the contracts! All tomorrow! No copy!
Testimonials! Two Voicers!  Hand written… NO COPY!?

1000 feet up! From the top of the tower,
Pitch planned to broadcast all spots every hour!
“Drool! Drool! You Fools!” he was greedily screaming.
“They’ll hear now the Green Christmas I’m dreaming!”
“They’re just waking up, their clock radios blaring,
With no way to avoid the ads that I’m sharing!”
“Soon we’ll see just how their Christmas is faring!”

“That is a sight,” grunted the Pitch, “That I simply must see!”
He smiled, and gawked out the window with glee.
And he did see a sight, on the streets below.
It started out slow. Then the crowds did grow…

But these crowds weren’t sad! Why, these crowds were happy!
It couldn’t be so! But they were happy, Slappy!

He stared down at Fool-ville! The Pitch rubbed his eyes!
Then he grabbed his chest… What a heart-stopping surprise!

Every Fool down in Fool-ville, adults and the kids,
Were having parties! Just like they always did!
He HADN’T avoided massive tune-out!
IT CAME!
One way or other, with no Intern to blame!

And the Pitch, with his pitch-nose against the cold glass,
Stood grumbling and grumbling, “They turned off in mass!”
“They still have their egg nog! They still have their treats!”
“They still have their bonus checks, presents, good eats!”
And he grumbled 3 quarter-hours, ‘till he grumbled no more,
Then the Pitch thought of something that made him less sore!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “Isn’t revenues galore.”
“Maybe Christmas… just maybe… is not just a chore.”

And what happened next…?
Well…in Fool-ville they whisper,
That the Pitch’s cold heart,
Blazed as hot as a blister!
And the second his ticker warmed up to the season,
He handed out make-goods, with Christmas the reason,
He re-wrote contracts! Shared the ad dollars next!
And he…

HE HIMSELF!
The Pitch gave out bonus checks!

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