Steal This Script - July 1992

by John Dodge

Studies show (and your nose knows) that most people hate "dealing" with car dealers more than anything else you can think of, with the possible exception of having a root canal. I'm pretty sure this is the GM strategy behind selling the new Saturn cars "as is," meaning the sticker price is the sale price. That way their salespeople can be portrayed as consultants rather than predators.

This month's Steal This Script! is an imposter, a fake spot for your morning show that exaggerates people's stereotyped notions of car dealer "ness." You'll need three voices: a Customer, a Salesman, and a Manager.

Good Car Dealer/Bad Car Dealer

Salesman: Welcome to Shark Pool Motors...you really want that Vavoom 2000, don't you? I can tell...
Customer: Yeah, well....
Salesman: Our most popular model. They just can't make 'em fast enough. That's a great tie you're wearing, by the way.
Customer: Thanks. Now the sticker says....
Salesman: Forget the sticker. My manager won't let me sell you the car.
Customer: What? Why not?
Salesman: If it was up to me, you could drive away today, but he's got a temper. Shhh, here he comes now.
Customer: (confused) I don't understand....
Manager: (suspiciously) Hey, what's going on here?
Salesman: This guy wants the Vavoom 2000, boss.
Manager: What?! No way. No way am I selling that car.
Salesman: Be reasonable, boss. He looks nice enough....
Customer: Look, if it's money you want....
Manager: Listen buddy, what do you take me for? You walk in here off the street....
Salesman: Boss, please, just let him buy the Vavoom 2000 and we can forget all about it.
Customer: Maybe I should leave....
Manager: I mean, the guy just walks in here...ok, ok, give it to him! Two thousand over list...but then he's outa here!
Salesman: (to customer) Whew, that was touch and go...I barely squeaked that one through for you...
Customer: I don't quite know how to thank you.
Salesman: Hey, don't thank me. These are the 90's. Customer service is what it's all about.

Next month I'll go back to real commercials, I promise. Just couldn't manage it this time, though, the weather's too fine. Keep your cards and letters comin' and enjoy July -- it's the best month of the summer.

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